February 2006 How To Avoid The Consuming Fire By Rabbi Alvin Kass The essence of marriage, in the view of Jewish tradition, was never stated more eloquently and forcefully than in the opening chapters of Scripture: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Thus, marriage was to involve a total commitment of two human beings to each other, to the extent that they become "one flesh", not only physically, but psychologically, emotionally, and intellectually. This does not mean that they always have to agree, think, or act identically, but it does involve complete devotion to each other, a consciousness of belonging together, and a sense of constancy which manifest both the sanctity and beauty of matrimony. Such a relationship makes it easier to endure the pain of life and doubles our joys and happiness. It also gives the fullest and finest development of our nature. These Scriptural guidelines for marital happiness appear even more relevant and necessary today than when they were initially promulgated at the dawn of human history, especially in view of recently published statistics which show that the country's divorce rate rises in times of economic crises and dislocation. According to a fascinating article in the New York Times, many marriages are founded "on a taste for good living." Husbands and wives are frequently joined together by a desire for a fancy apartment, beautiful clothes, swing parties, and high living in general. As a result, when income shrinks, the husband and wife discover that they don't have much to hold each other together. Other problems frequently develop such as sexual impotence, aggravation of difficulties that had been under control for many years, the upsetting of everyday routines of life, attendant irritants such as having the husband always around or the father's fumbling when dealing with the children because he isn't accustomed to being around the house, and feelings of worthlessness and depression on the part of the husband. As the Bible suggests, marriages motivated solely by physical pleasure, material advantage, or social prestige are precarious indeed, for there is no genuine union of two human beings living according to the will of God. Perhaps this is the real meaning of a Talmudic anecdote which tells us that the Holy One took the two letters of esh, fire, and added the two letters of his name, yud and heh. The yud was added to form ish, man, husband, and the heh was added to form ishah, woman, wife. Then God said: "If together they follow my ways, my name abides with them and delivers them from trouble; if not, my name is removed from between them, and they become a consuming fire" (Kallah Rabbati, Ch. 1).